We were looking through the Amtrak website to see all the fun things there are to do on the train, and we came across something that made me burst out laughing: The Quiet Car
The whole concept of a Quiet Car is just a recipe for trouble. Just imagine the never-ending misery of the Quiet Car porter who must enforce a lengthy list of petty infractions.
If I adjourn to the Quiet Car to enjoy my Dickens and suck on a humbug, here are some misdemeanors might hear:
- Faint headphone music...psh psh PSH psh psh PSH phphPshphphPsh psh psh psh PSHHH
- The door opening from the next car with a loud sliding bang and and the inevitable loud question "is this the quiet car?"
- The porter who quietly rushes over with finger on lips to murmur "mmm rrr mrm mrr mmr rmmr mmr Quiet Car mmmr rr mr rm r quiet mmm rm mr " The porter leans forward during this whispered speech bending at the wait, hands pushing slowly down on the air in a manner that signifies "keeping it down".
- A cell phone ring "beedly-deep-dee-bee Deedly-deep-dee-BEE DEEDLY-DEEP-DE..." until someone trashing frantically cuts it off, then says "sorry" to all in a stage whisper. This happens 8 times an hour, with each new guilty soul being chastened by their conscience "judge not lest ye be judged". People whose phones have not rung yet, still feel free to frown and think that a loudly whispered "sorry" simply doesn't cut it -- banishment would suffice.
- That merry crinkle of cellophane, much beloved of dogs and wee children everywhere. After the first unfortunate "crink", the offending crinkler freezes and his mind turns to the dilemna... is it better to perform an agonizing long series of irregularly timed smallish crinkles? Or perhaps one should perform a (hopefully) single rifle-shot CRINK-KLE that startles everyone in the Quiet Car, breaking the dozy hum? Or is better to forgoe Liquorice Allsorts all together, for the sake of the common good?
- Faint headphone RAP music... "THUMMM...tinkle-tinkle pshhhhhhhhhhh THUMMM.... tinkle-thinkle pshhhhhh psh pshhhhhhh tinkle tinkle psh psh THU-THUMMM pshhhhhh".
- The insistent murmer of the porter making the rap music (but not the other music) turn off "mmm rrr mmm Quiet Car.... . . . .ask you to leave... rrrm mmr mm THUM THUM mrrr m rmr mr rmrm r". A felony offense.
- Astonishingly loud outrage expressed at being ejected from the quiet car despite headphones set to 4, only one cell phone eruption, and restrained cellophane crinkling. "WHAT? I have said not one word!" Indignant feelings everywhere, except the porter who is more miserable than ever.
- The sound eyeballs make when glaring indignantly and self-righteously at the Noisiest Person on the Quiet Car. You can probably almost hear the wool-clad cold shoulders, too.
- Snoring, which brings the porter every time.
- Shhh! though is never heard, because that's what you say to small children and it would be rude to hear it in the Quiet Car, where nothing should be heard.
The quiet car is probably overrun with Canadians.
Tatiana and I think there should be a Noisy Car, too, crowded with Nicaraguans, Mexians, Italians etc dancing conga lines the whole trip long (da da du du da DA! da da du du da DA!) I don't mean to cast aspersions on other nationalities, except to say unless you think you can open a package of butterscotches without waking up a puppy (part of the Canadian citizenship test), you don't belong in the Quiet Car.
